| Notes on Performance |
[Sep. 25th, 2011|02:55 am]
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| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
I think everyone knows by now that I'm a serious hooper and I'm in this game to get my name out and win, whatever that means. All I have now is my hoop because all my fire gear was stolen in South America. I lost a good 5 years worth of collecting fire equipment. My gear was worth $500+ dollars and that's a big investment in performing that went out the window because I wasn't watching my back in an internet cafe in Peru.
I wouldn't have cared if that person stole everything in my bag EXCEPT my fire gear because that's my livelihood but the smooth criminal didn't have the courtesy to ask me what I wanted to keep. He or she just crept in behind me and snatched my backpack. My fire gear is what gets me into events for free. That's what people PAY ME to see. That's how people know who I am and my whole fucking life outside of the grind is based on it. That's what has kept me sane for years. Losing it was like losing part of me. I could give up everything EXCEPT MY FIRE GEAR. So the fact that it's GONE really beats down on me every time I want to get on stage and do something. Fire fans. GONE. Poi. GONE. Palm torches. Lost in Joy's stuff when she moved (I let her borrow them). All I have is my fucking hoop. And since that's all I have to work with and I have to throw down 10X's better because I feel like I have to make up for all the gear that I don't have and the variety that I could bring to the table that I can't bring to the table anymore.
So I've tried my best to push the hoop as far as I can. Sometimes I'm so sick of it I don't even want to fucking look at a hoop anymore. I see those circle and I'm like "God damnit, I know so many tricks and yet as my only tool, I have to keep going forward with it because all my gear is gone and I can't afford to replace it right now." This has made me really think creatively with the hoop just to stay in the game. Sometimes I feel I bounce around too much with my genres and what I'm doing but hell, the hoop rap I made to Nero's "You'll Never Be Mine" is still getting on average 20+ hits a week and people are actually searching for MY song on YouTube now, according to my stats. So I know that if I just stay creative and keep reinventing myself and change as fast as the internet is changing, I'll break into the top respected circle eventually and that's what I'm after. I'm not in it for fame; I'm in it because I haven't hit a wall to stop me yet in the past 5 years. I'm an international performer, I'm successful wherever I go with performing, people enjoy watching me and I enjoy watching them, as the crowd and we enrich each other's lives.
This is my job. This is what I'm actually making money doing. I'm not making money working a conventional job right now because the economy is so fucked up that if there's one flaw with the gear, the company kicks you to the curb. Is there a flaw with my hooping? HELL NO. I could be better, but I'm flawless doing what I do. I spend hours trying ridiculously har d transitions and dropping and throwing the hoop everywhere to try to get to the point where I can do these crazy hard things on stage. Am I where I want to be? Fuck no. I have a lot of work to do. Sometimes I release a practice video just to show people what I'm working on, but the really hardcore drills I don't release because I want to be prefect in everything I do.
That's why I dedicate so much time to this and what my film image is vs. what I know I can and cannot do personally. I keep close track of my stats and on averages on YouTube. I've noticed that every 5th video I post gets into the thousands. I'm studying my YouTube data trying to figure out what people want to see and market myself accordingly. This is HOW people will do business in the future. TV, newspapers, all of that shit is antiquated. And honestly, everything online changes so much that I start feeling behind, especially being in Louisville KY where it's like, 1990 everyday. It's an interesting place to test my platform, honestly. I can come in with completely wacky stuff that would be risky even in an international city and perform it because these people are so thirsty for something new and fresh that they might just dig it, and that's why a lot of people do get their start in Louisville.
I've got a very elaborate act planned for tomorrow and I pray to god I can pull this off because it's my dress rehearsal for Chicago next week. I want to put on an act in Chicago that would hold it's own in Tokyo. And that's how I plan all my shows. There's just this drive to make world class acts, even though I'm still just the down on her luck earthquake fucked up girl in priavate. I'm not really sure if people around here get that I'm always trying to put on a world class act but I hope that they appreciate all the hard work and creativity I bring to the table. In fact, a lot of what I do wouldn't fly in Tokyo because they expect a boring, belly dance, same old stuck in the grind routine. I have said this before and I will say it again, but this art is in danger of drying up because a few big shots have the corner and there's not a lot of new talent coming up internationally. I admire the fact that in this genre of entertainment, you can stay in the game and be older and less than perfect looking to remain respected but when there are people out there, not necessarily younger, but new, who are bringing new ideas to the table out there, it makes me wonder how this whole thing exactly works.
Needless to say, it's an interesting scene to be involved in. And I enjoy being an active member of the international community. Do I want this to be my job someday? Yes, but I have to start teaching and I have to figure out how to do that. Do I see this being a realistic, full time job? No, because it require a lot of work and I am simply too dedicated to sleep and eating to really be able to make it as an international super star. I know what I can do, I'm doing everything I can do right now because I'm having a LOT of trouble getting a job, like the other 9.5% of Americans who are turning to art because it's the only way to get cash these days. Will I continue to do this and push this art forward? Yes, because I enjoy it. And that's the answer to all of these questions. I do it because I enjoy it. It entertains me and keeps me happy. My performances make others happy. I inspire others and they inspire me. This is what I do. This is me. And I'm getting as much as I can out of it right now and that's why I picked up fire 5 years ago. I love movement. I love music. I love movement to music.
"Motion is god."
I admit that I will never be rich or famous for what I do. But it's the creative outlet that I need to keep living day to day. It's what I need to ignore the bull shit and help me sort out where my life will go, which is very uncertain right now considering how this year has been going for me. But through my creative outlets, I'll find a way. And performance is one of those outlets.
Tomorrow is going to be a success and it will energize me to move forward into the week and give me the energy that I need to find a job that will give me enough money to get back on track and become an independent adult again. Whether that means inevitably going back to Japan for good where I can be an independent adult without a car, going to a new country, or staying here in the States, I'm not sure. But I will keep trying to find a way this week. I have a few ideas up my sleeve. I just need the energy from a good performance to push me forward, and I'll have that tomorrow, by golly. Tomorrow, tomorrow, it's only a day away. |
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| At least something good happened today. |
[Sep. 21st, 2011|02:47 am]
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| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
I think I lost my job over stupidity today. Back to the drawing board.
In other news, I finally talked to Ken. It was good talking to him again and we opened up dialogue. By the end of the conversation we were laughing about being mad at each other. We aren't back together, and it's impossible to be right now, but we've agreed to continue to talk regularly and see what happens. I'm still thinking about going back to Japan for good. It's so late but I don't have to get up in the morning and go to work so I don't care. I do need to call Jimmy John's and see if I can have my job back. I also need to hit the job trail again.
I do feel more mentally sound after talking to Ken. It was killing me inside trying to hide all of these emotions and let him go. I was just feeling angry and twisted and all the unresolved issues were driving me insane. I guess talking peacefully is always the best cure for any situation that ends on a sour note.
I'm not sure where we're going with this but we both missed each other enough to be honest with each other about our feelings and that's a start to a constructive healing path. We both care about each other and miss each other but we also both want different things and we're both not financially stable right now so we can't visit each other. So for now, we've agreed to begin establishing a sound friendship and see what happens and how we feel after a little more time before we decide if we're going to peruse a relationship and a future together again.
I feel we've both approached this in a mature, constructive manner. We didn't fight, we were truthful and everything was put on the table. I feel that whatever direction this goes in, whether we end up planning a future together or remaining just friends, it's good.
At least something good happened today. |
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| Captin's Log: The Journey Begins. |
[Sep. 18th, 2011|11:07 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | FPU- Endgame | ] |
I feel that my personal power has been capped recently. I keep feeling such a mental block trying to move forward in every aspect of my life except creatively. I can say that right now, my creativity and my art and performance are the only things that I'm happy with that I'm doing. I feel that I was led back to Louisville for creative purposes. In Japan, I was really creatively frustrated. I was surrounded by people doing wonderful things creatively and it was so inspiring that sometimes I felt a little discouraged by all the awesome art that was happening around me. I didn't realize, in my discouragement, that I really was part of all of that. I was a respected performer, although I didn't see it then, but I had to bust my ass and train as hard as I could to get to that level. I sometimes watch performance videos of the people I know in Japan and look at their photographs and they are still doing so many beautiful amazing things. And so am I, just apart from that creative drive.
Coming back to Louisville was a big gear shift creatively for me. I met Al and Cyndi 3 days after I got back to town and they always tell me, in those car rides home from events when I'm expressing a little frustration about where I am in my life, that I was brought back here for a reason and it will all make sense. And I'm starting to understand that from seeing where I'm going creatively. Louisville is an excellent place to get started to perform. A lot of very successful artists got started here-- Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Cruise, My Morning Jacket to name a few. And I'm part of a new generation of artists to come out of Louisville because believe it or not, our artists do make it in other parts of the world, and large portions of them...they just don't talk about where they're from so people don't really know that Louisville produces a lot of successful artists. But a lot of my friends are coming up and becoming successful too and I know that I'm part of this creative spirit. But I need to figure out how to take this further.
You know, when Ken told me that he was breaking up with me to become a professional juggler, I understood where he was going and it made me upset because he didn't want me to come along with him. Ken's going to make it, I know he will. He's very talented, passionate and he's business minded. But it hurt me he shook me off like I wasn't good enough to be by his side and be there with him when he makes it happen. That's what hurt the most I guess. Because I don't care about being famous, not really. I just wanted to be there together with him because we were doing the same thing and we had the same passion for dance that I haven't met many men who can share that with me. He told me to understand, and I did, but I understood too well that he wanted to go on without me because I wasn't at the level that he thought his girlfriend should be at, which was insulting.
But I'm taking my performance in a totally different direction. I want to make really quality performances, something that would be respected in Japan, New York, LA and at international festivals. I want to put a more theatrical, story line, elaborate twist to what I do. I have visions for doing performances that I haven't seen done before anywhere. And I'm going to debut one of these acts next Sunday. I've worked on it a little, but the costume is SUCH a part of the act that I have to wait until I get the costume made on Thursday to put the act together and that's a little nerve wrecking. Sure, I'm not at a big event doing this but my aim right now is to stay international via YouTube and keep making videos and stay in the game until I can get out of Louisville.
I am excited that I have my first invite to spin a show in a different city. My friend April hooked me up with a gig in Chicago, and so hopefully I can do some networking up there and maybe get invited back to do more Burner events. I'm not in the community anymore because I don't live there anymore but hopefully, I can throw down and get some people to remember who I am so I can come back and perform. The Burlesque troupe is also supposed to be having some out of town shows too, so that's exciting.
What I really need to do though, is get my act together and start making hoops and teaching. I know I have a lot to offer but I'm just not sure how to get started. I could probably even advertise straight up fire hoop classes. In fact, a girl contacted me on Facebook who just got a fire hoop. We started talking and she asked me if I could teach her about fire hoop and I said sure. I could also teach folding fire fans, because I know no one around here knows how to do those but I'm not quite sure how to make them and my crafts always fall apart (see my attempts to sew and you will see why I don't make fire gear ^^).
There's just a lot of opportunity but I feel so bogged down by the negative energy I'm getting from toxic people around me everyday. I want my independence back so badly because right now, I feel like a baby. I can't drive so I can't go anywhere. I have to rely on my parents for a place to stay, for food, for transportation and they remind me everyday. I mean, I really am just down on my luck now, unfortunately. If that earthquake didn't happen, after South America I would have returned to Japan, I'd be with Ken (he never would have asked me to marry him if the earthquake didn't happen so our relationship would have happened at a reasonable pace), at my old job, continuing life as it was before. But I can't dwell on the fact that the earthquake disrupted everything and jumbled my life up like a crumbled Tower.
Three days before the earthquake, I pulled the Tarot cards Death, The Towers and the Lovers. Little did I know how accurate that reading was. The tower represents complete destruction, everything in your life being flattened. Death represents something coming to an end. There is nothing to continue because it has ended indefinitely. On the front of the card is a skeleton knight riding a white horse. The sun is coming up though, giving hope for the new day. That in death an end is followed by a new beginning and a rebirth. The Lovers feature Adam and in, standing in front of the tree of life, the angel Gabriel in the sky above them, shinning down rays of heavenly light on the ordained relationship. So in my life, on March 11, the Tower fell, my life in Japan ended, and although it brought Ken and I closer together, it inevitably tore us apart.
But like the Death card, there is hope in new beginnings, but this beginning is so new that I just don't know where to go or what to do with it.
I suppose that I should start working all of this out in writing again. I feel that my path to the future is so much clearer when I write about things and I believe that one reason why I feel so lost is because I am not writing down the path I want to take everyday. There were several reasons why I stopped writing. One was that I was super busy with life in Japan teaching international school and university plus having a boyfriend and an active social and performance life. I regret not writing about that time in my life, however. It was a very happy, positive time and I wish I hadn't let it all slip away. The next excuse is that once I stopped, it was so easy to fall behind in recording everything that happened that I just felt like I couldn't catch up.
But now that I'm so far behind I feel like it doesn't matter where I pick up anymore. So I need this stream of consciousness guidance to help me figure out where I'm going. I have to make these notes everyday or I lose track of myself and I bottle up everything inside.
So the first step towards my future, which I can take today, is to write again everyday. I sometimes feel embarrassed to write about my feelings because sometimes they're dark and gloomy and sad but I can't keep swirling around in these gray clouds of disappointment for much longer. I have to let it go and let them out. I realized this the other night when I joined 3 of the women in my troupe for a ritual cleansing. We wrote down the negative things that happened to us that were bothering us and then put them in a fire. Terri would read out the slips and we were supposed to punch a punching bag or hit the wall with a Fun Noodle but I was too embarrassed to show anger because I've been keeping it inside for so long. I don't want to hurt anyone, but they explained that wasn't the point-- the physical action was a way to expel the anger and hurt and get the energy out of our bodies. Once I let go, I was able to release that energy and let a lot of things go, and so now I feel ready to write about things again.
I've been sort of walking around in a fog, not really focused, like a ship adrift on the sea. But I'm ready to steer myself through the storm and find a port to dock at. I need to get over the fact that Ken and I don't have a future together and that I will probably be in America for a while. I need to accept it and move forward. Once I do that, I can get on the path to my next destination.
I'm beginning my captain's log for this voyage. Feel free to read it and travel across this vast ocean with me. |
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| Life is like a Pinwheel |
[Sep. 16th, 2011|01:05 am]
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| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
My life is like a pinwheel right now, a spectrum of colors spinning in the winds of change. I was researching for an eHow article I was writing about how to make an origami pinwheel. I learned that the Chinese see pinwheels as a symbol of turning your luck around (especially around the Chinese New Year). I've been pretty damn, down on my luck for the past while although I met and saw and even experienced things that could have been a lot worse, which give me something to be thankful for. Yet that didn't mean that I didn't think that my situations sometimes sucked and I was just fed up with life. I really was, and sometimes I still really am. I've just been this pinwheel, sitting here in this yard, waiting for the winds of change to blow my way on a still, stagnant day.
The winds have picked up recently, and although they've blown a little too hard for my liking, plucking this poor pinwheel from the ground and blowing my whole life in a totally different direction, I'm not sure where all of this is going. If I'm sticking with the pinwheel metaphor, I feel like I've been blown up into a great, big tree and I can't get back to my little perch in the yard. The winds of change are still blowing and my little points are still turning but I liked the little stick I was perched on.
There's a similar symbol to the pinwheel in the tarot deck. I love to read tarot. I read tarot all the time. Sometimes I sit by myself in my room and read tarot for hours, just because I want to master the meanings of the cards and give legit readings without having to look at a book. One of the most ambiguous cards, in my opinion, is The Wheel of Fortune. There's a big wheel with astrological symbols in the center of card flanked by mystical animals and crowned with a Spinx. The card means that the wheel of fortune is about to turn and changes are on the way. Depending on the cards you draw with it, you can sometimes decipher if the changes will be good or bad, but sometimes you have no clue and you just have to read it as a big change is on the way.
Unfortunately, I'm terrible at dealing with change. I get set in my ways easily although I always am seeking adventure, excitement and a change of venue. Sometimes I uproot myself completely and move across the globe and then I'm sad that I did. I realize that I was happy where I was and in leaving a place and a time in my life, I come to appreciate what I didn't appreciate before. I think this is probably the biggest struggle coming back to America has presented to me. I realized how much I loved living in Japan and how much I wish I could be there. I miss the shopping, the lively night life, the elaborate events, the fact there's always something to do, the trains, the food, Kamakura and most importantly, people I loved and cared for. I know I lost Ken because I wouldn't come back to Japan. I told him I was scared and I just wanted to wait for things to calm down. I wanted to wait for the aftershocks to die off and I wanted to wait to see what would happen with Fukushima. I just wasn't ready to go back. And I mean, it wasn't unreasonable to ask him to meet my family if I was going to go back to Japan for him. That was the only condition. But he didn't believe I could get a job and make money. I find it ironic that right after we broke up I got a new job and now I can save up money but for what??? What do I want to do?
Well, I've been thinking about going to Australia next year and working. That's about all I can think of right now. I'd like to see more of world and I'd like to go somewhere where they speak English because South America was quite the challenge and I'm ready to do an easy country next. Plus, there's lots of fun stuff happening in Australia and there's lots of fire spinners and circus stuff. I'm sure I'm not good enough to become established in Australia, but I have a pretty good track record for breaking into performance scenes wherever I go...the only place I can think of where I had trouble was Cincinnati, OH, of all god forsaken places. So yeah, I'm sort of dreaming of Australia right now but I have a long way to go with money before I can make it there.
I'm sort of thinking about getting a degree online...but first I want to talk to the Australian embassy. I'm thinking about studying library science. It would be interesting to be a librarian in Australia for a while, don't you think?
I also registered for aerial hoop classes today. That should be fun. I need to pick up a new skill to get my mind off of Ken. I'm not sure if I'll like it but it's 6 classes and it should be fun. I think it sounds kind of scary, honestly, and I'm not so sure that I want to hang upside down, or hang from the ceiling at all, but it's something new and interesting to try that not so many people do (yet) and that I can use to market myself as a performer when I go traveling.
Blah, blah, blah, I'm just rambling now as I think about all the changes spinning in my life. I feel dizzy. I'm starting to get busy with all kinds of things. I may be teaching a hoop class this winter, I started my new job (which is exhausting), trying to pull together a piece that is sort of an artistic vision for a show on 9/25 and I'm signing up for workshops to keep me busy in between and help up my skill level. I'm just trying to distract myself and take advantage of change. I want to keep busy so I don't have time to get weepy and sad because I miss Ken and I'm disappointed that won't be having a cute, international, performance family. I guess some dreams are too good to be true. I had to wake up from it sometime...
I was reading tarot for myself last night and I pulled the five of cups. This card is a dude in a black coat. He has his back to you and there's three spilled cups at his feet. He looks dejected but he's so caught up in his problems that he doesn't realize that there are two cups still standing next to him. He's basically crying over spilled milk, and that's what I'm doing too. I know I have a lot going for me and there's opportunity all around me (even though my parents beg to differ) but first I have to get over the fact that I lost and then I can move forward.
Honestly, I planned very poorly and that's why I'm in this situation in the first place. Plans have NEVER backfired on me like this, which is very puzzling, because I can usually beat the odds and come out on top and get what I want. That's how I've been living for the past 7 years. I sometimes get rides home from events with Al and Cyndi. They know I'm having a tough time and they both always say, "Sarah, there is a reason why you were brought back here. There is a reason why you met us the 3rd day you were back in the country. It doesn't make sense to you now but it will in the future."
Maybe when the pinwheel stops spinning, it will all make sense again.
Did this make any sense?
I'm freaking tired. I think I totally missed the direction I was going with this. lol. |
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| The Last Time I Will Ever Say These Things. |
[Sep. 2nd, 2011|12:12 am]
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I have to get this out. I've boxed it up and kept it inside for so long that it's hurting me. I have to write about it. I have to say something. But now that it's out there's nothing left to say. So this is my last comment about what happened between Ken and I that will be public. I hope you forgive me for writing and posting this. Please move along if you don't feel like reading tales of my broken heart. I understand. I promise to be sunnier next time I write. But sometimes the sun needs a rest. Sometimes the sun goes behind dark clouds and it rains and storms. I'm having a stormy day, but after the storm clears, the sun will come out again. Bear with me while I pop open my umbrella and walk in the rain.
Ken breaking up with me has got to be one of the most disappointing things that's ever happened to me. It's like being a 5 year old going down stairs on Christmas morning and seeing no presents under the tree when your parents PROMISED to get you a pony and you BELIEVED THEM. Then they say, "We didn't have any money for a pony, and btw, Santa Claus ISN'T REAL."
He shattered my hopes and dreams of ever settling down and having a family. When I first met him, I thought he was perfect for me. It was a magical kind of first meeting. I was at the fire spinning end of the year party and I was hanging out with my friends hooping and having a good time. He came up to me and said, "Oh! You're Sarah! I heard about you!" Then he pulled out his contact hoop and I was like, "Omg! He plays with circles too!" We did a round of fire together and then, like Cinderella, he ran away from the ball too early in the night. He gave me his business card and told me that he wanted to be friends. I thought, "Oh, we can be more than friends!"
We spent a month messaging before we saw each other again. Everyday we'd chat via txt and I waited for him to ask me out but he never did. Then we ended up doing a show together at Natural Smile and hooked up that night. It was an interesting night because Masa was at the same party and I was playing the old cat and mouse game with Masa before Ken showed an interest in me. I was tired of cat and mouse; I'd played cat and mouse with Masa for a year and a half. I could have probably hooked up with Masa again that night and in retrospect, I wish I would have, because he was being transferred to Thailand and I would have been sad, but not as sad as I am after the Kentastrophe.
But it was a magical night all the same with Ken at the party, as it always is when you find someone at a party. It's flashing lights and thumping music and thumping hearts and stary eyes and all that crap that makes the right mixture for a love potion. I can still see a lot of those moments clearly, like when I was staring into Ken's contact juggling crystal ball while he did tricks for me with his free arm around my waist. He held it up in front of a green light and it shone in the dark and I thought, "I can almost see our future in this ball."
And that's how things were with Ken. From early on, we talked about getting married. We both confessed that we felt it almost immediately, that we were what the other had been looking for the whole time. I crawled into bed with him and we stayed cuddled up together all winter, keeping each other warm and getting up to practice when we could pull ourselves away from the warmth. I'll always remember little things...like practicing on the beach at sunset, falling asleep on his shoulder while he was driving, cuddling on the train on the way into Tokyo and of course, the earthquake...
Ken was different than most of the guys I usually date. There was never a wam, bam, thank you ma'am moment of our relationship. He was always sweet to me and he would always hold me and kiss me and caress me like he cared about me. There was never a moment when I had to ask myself, like I did with so many others, "Does he care about me?" The answer was always, "Of course, I know he loves me." He came out in the earthquake and got stuck in traffic for 7 hours to come get me. We held each other and told each other how scared we were. He was angry when I left Kanagawa after the earthquake but I told him to come with me and I wasn't going to stay in there with all the uncertainty, alone with my landlord who doesn't speak English on the coast. Wonder if there was another big earthquake and tsunami came? Ken lives near the mountains and he's Japanese so he didn't have to worry about those two issues. But still, he thought that I should have stayed by his side and that also caused a lot of problems in the end. I was just too mobile. Always traveling, running here and there, and he likes to stay put. It made him angry how mobile I am. He didn't like the fact that I blow around like a leaf in the wind and that's how I've been for so long I can't stand to stay in one place for very long. He knew when he asked me to marry him that I'm a gypsy and yet he thought he could take the wheels off my caravan and make me stay. I thought I could talk him into joining me in my caravan. I offered compromises in the end, but those weren't any good for him. He wouldn't leave Japan, even for a couple of weeks, to be with me. I thought that was unfair because he did expect me to move back to Japan permanently, after all. But then again, this isn't the first time the gypsy wagon has left with just me inside. I thought I finally had a man who would cross the ocean for me, the sure sign that he's a keeper. All the other men that I've been with couldn't live up to that. No man has ever crossed the ocean for me. They always expect me to cross oceans for them. And once again, I found out, in the most hard, painful way, that he wasn't worth it. That he didn't have what it takes to be what I'm looking for, and in fact, at the end, he told me frankly that he didn't want to be. ::sighs::
And it broke my heart, because he seemed ready to jump into it all with me but once again, I'm traveling alone. I wonder if it will always be this way. Most men who are adventurous and love to travel, like me, love the women of the far off lands they travel to so much that they would most certainly be a philander and no matter how many places I've gone, I still have a very conservative out look on what I personally want out of marriage and a family. I want a father who will always be there and be loyal to me and our children until death due us part. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but that's what I need and that's why it's taken me so long to find someone. I don't think men like that exist anymore, or rather men are like that who would tolerate all my hippie shenanigans and far left thinking. Another reason why I thought Ken was such a good match for me was because he had the same family values and hippie kind of lifestyle that I lead. He seemed to understand me so well but then he gave up on me. I guess he was sick of waiting for me to come back to Japan, but like I said before, I expected him to make sacrifices for me that he just wouldn't make, like coming to Louisville to meet my family.
Ken also had an understanding of my emotions that not many guys understand. I feel things so strongly and I have a lot of feelings. He could make me laugh when I'm angry and smile when I cry. He could snap me out of the emotional downward spiral I get caught in and reverse my feelings. I don't know how he did it. No one else has been able to tame the beast that's inside me called my heart. No man has been able to really understand my violent, passionate emotions and reign them into something that's controllable. He was my balance in a lot of ways and considering I've never met anyone, man or woman, before him who could do that, I'm skeptical that I'll meet anyone ever again who can.
Ken was more than just a boyfriend I had. He is everything I remember about my last months in Japan and what I wanted to keep with me always not only as a companion, a lover and what I hoped would be the father of my future children, but also I wanted to keep him as a memento of Japan, and more importantly, Kanagawa. He was my connection to that part of Japan that I love so much even now. And when I talked to him on Skype everyday I could be there and it helped me not miss Japan so much. He thinks I hate Japan, which is probably one of the reasons why he broke up with me. I don't hate Japan, I did have a lot of bad experiences with people there, but that goes for everywhere I've gone in the world because I guess I just look for the bad in people more than I do the good. I love Japan and Japan will always be a part of me. But like so many other foreigners who move to Japan and stay there, I couldn't forget where I was from and pretend to be Japanese to fit in. I couldn't lie like that and in the end, that also caused a lot of problems.
I love Ken and I miss him dearly. I have nightmares every night about the guilt I feel from stone walling him. I can't think straight, I don't eat or I eat too much, everyone says I always look sad. I'm not inspired to dance. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm sad because I really thought this was going to work out. I really thought that he was the closest I was going to get for a perfect match and then he just bailed on me and gave up. When he proposed to me, he gave me a card and he wrote, "Dear Sarah, you make me brave, you make me smile, I need you in my life, I believe to our love. I love you Sarah! Thank you!"
What went wrong? I'm just not sure why he could stop loving me so suddenly. He said he never loved me, he was only interested in me as a person and that hurts even more.
I don't think I could give my heart to anyone again for a long time. I have no interest in being physically close to anyone either. After all of this, how could I trust anyone again? I don't know...I sometimes think that I'm going to be alone forever because there's no one who can really understand me, what I need, who I am, what I do...he just understood me wonderfully and I thought I understood him until he flipped the switch on me overnight.
I just don't know what went wrong. What changed. All I know is that this hurts and it will be a long time before it doesn't hurt anymore. And that's all I have to say about this. I'm going to sleep now. I've cried too much while writing this and now I feel tired and ready to rest my weary heart. |
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| The Way to Burn Books in 2011 |
[Jul. 21st, 2011|12:16 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
When I was a kid, I used to love to go to the locally owned Hawley Cooke (sp?) book store and spend hours tucked between the shelves, trying to pick out just one book that my mom agreed to buy for me. I'd usually go once a week, and this is how my skills as an avid reader and a passionate writer developed. I dreamed of becoming a famous writer someday, topping international charts and having my works translated into a rainbow of languages. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a writer or when I wasn't making up stories to share with people. However, with the dumbing down of America, the art of story telling is becoming lost as more and more cheap garbage is published and novels for adults are written at a 6th grade reading level.
I wasn't really surprised when I heard that Borders is completely liquidating all of it's bookstores across the nation. It really is sad, because if Boarders liquidates, that means that my home town, Louisville, will only have one large bookstore, Barnes and Nobel. Louisville is a city with a population of over 700,000 and Barnes and Noble is located in the suburbs. With the extinction of Boarders, only the rich will be able to have access to a wide variety of books not available at small and used bookstores. Public transportation in Louisville, KY, is almost extinct, much like the area bookstores, so people who don't live in the wealthy area of town and who don't have cars or the internet at home will not be able to buy books.
True, there are small bookstores like Carmichael's, which is the size of a closet and although locally owned, has probably managed to stay in business for years only because the bookstore has not tried to expand outside it's small niche clientele. Book and Music Exchange, a used bookstore with a large selection, is bigger than Carmichael's, but since the books are used, it's luck of the draw if you're looking for a difficult book to find. There are a couple other small used and new bookstores and interestingly though not surprisingly enough, Christian bookstores seem to be doing just fine because in the South, you'll always be able to read about Jesus.
Which brings me to my next topic and the root of this problem. Electronic books and online bookstores like Amazon.com. It's a growing trend in America, although not so much globally, from what I've noticed from traveling at least, to purchase ebooks. I can't explain how much I detest ebooks for two reasons.
1) If someone steals your Kendall, you could lose your library. My iPhone was recently stolen and I learned how woeful losing a high tech, expensive piece of electronics is. And even if you have backed up your books, you have to invest a lot of money to replace the expensive piece of electronics. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather go out and buy a book that was stolen again for $15 than a new Kendall for over $100. In this economy, that's a lot of money for people to spend.
2) Ebooks have made it easy for people to publish books but they have also made it easy for books to be lost completely when they go out of print. More importantly, they makes it easy to alter history as we go along, since there are no hard copies of many ebooks. I am almost completely opposed to switching 100% to electronic recording because that puts too much hands in the power of corporations to handle the material that shapes our lives. Once a book printed, you have to burn it to get rid of it. Once a book is published electronically, all it takes is a few key strokes and some creativity to alter it and all of a sudden, everything is changed. I can't help but thinking back to the novel 1984 and envisioning the hero, Winston, at work destroy and falsifying the news to fit the needs of the Party. Needless to say, the Party would have loved this technology.
Honestly, I find a world in which there are no books, only electronic pieces of information, to be a very frightening, manipulated and confusing place where only the ignorant will be able to survive. If we are criticized for asking questions about our government and the way the world is reshaping now, our only comfort is to know that knowledge and history stands behind us in print. When we lose the freedom to locate facts in print black and white print on a piece of paper, we lose the freedom to ask questions because it will become more difficult to determine what is fact and what is fiction when the printing presses have run dry.
However, I do want to stress that I am not opposed to ebooks as long as the coexist beside hard copies of information. This also goes for music as well, which is a totally different topic that I won't discuss in this particular rant. lol.
And so, I often wonder how our children will learn in the future? As a child, I was always handed books and told to read, to study, to look, to enjoy and to ask questions. But when there are no books to hand our children, what do we do? Sit them in front of the computer and tell them to play a game? Sit them in front of a television and tell them to watch the pretty colors, like in Fahrenheit 451? We have destroyed the bodies of our children by taking away the "go play outside and get dirty" attitude and replacing it with the "play a video game or watch TV" mentality. You can see it in the obesity epidemic and I don't need to quote statistics to prove that's true. You can see it everywhere you go. Likewise, we are slowly but surely killing the minds of our children by the slow extermination of books, which I think is in danger of happening within our lifetime. I know many of you who are reading this are parents, are planning to have a child in the near future or may have nieces and nephews you help look after sometimes. Please, please, please read books to these children. Help educate them so that we will once again, have a bright future shining in the midst of the impending intellectual crisis approaching.
I suppose that a lot of people who read this will call me old fashioned and crazy and a radical and god knows what else but the whole reason I sat down and wrote this was because I feel that our future is in danger. If you care about preserving information, please go out and buy a book at a bookstore today. Buying books online is just not the same, and lastly, a message about Amazon.com. Don't buy books or music from Amazon.com. In 2009 they tried to remove gay and lesbian books from their bestseller and search engines, FYI. Read this article for more information http://www.najp.org/articles/2009/04/amazon-anti-gay.html. Because of people like me who singed many petitions and wrote letters to Amazon.com, it didn't go anywhere, but the danger that Amazon.com will try to do something sneaky like that again, especially now that it's becoming the number one bookstore in the nation, you should carefully support them if you support them at all. I chose not to.
So instead of going online to buy a book, or picking up your Kendall and reading, visit a bookstore. Spend some time browsing. Sit down and communicate with the text through your senses. And come to know that the only way to learn is through using all of your senses. These are the ancient ways to perceive reality that are being dulled down as technology advances and we become less and less human and more and more machine. |
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| Hold me Accountable |
[Jul. 19th, 2011|12:08 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  lazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Journey to Mars- Jan Terri (so stuck in my head) | ] |
OK, here are the things I HAVE to do today. Please ask me later if I've done them so I feel embarrassed if I didn't! I sometimes get so distracted by things like YOUTUBE when I'm trying to get things done when I have so much free time :/
1) Apply to online jobs
2) Call the girl interested in taking hoop lessons from me.
3) Call about figure modeling.
4) Start planning routine for this weekend.
5) Clean up writings and get ready to send to publications.
6) Apply to more jobs.
7) Get Tarot requests e-mailed out
8) Talk to event organizers about reading tarot at the event for $
I need peer pressure to get my ass in gear ^^ Thanks for helping me out! |
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| My trip thus far |
[Apr. 30th, 2011|03:29 pm]
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| [ | mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blackeyed Peas | ] |
Everyone wants to know how my trip is going but since I haven't had access to the internet on a regular basis, I haven't had much time to write. Martin doesn't like using the internet so much so even if I go to an internet cafe to check my e-mail, we don't stay long.
So, it's been almost two weeks since I left the United States. I had a problem at the airport because the stupid hos at the counter wouldn't give me my boarding pass unless I bought a return ticket. Then the dumb bitch fucked up and chased me down when I was about to go through security (I was already late) and told me she had to void the purchase and do it again. I was at witt's end with the stupid people who were working behind the counter but as I've come to find out, customer service isn't top priority in many Latin America businesses. A lot of companies and employees seem content to put the minimum amount of effort into everything they do, which has taken me some time to adjust to after Japan where everything from food, to products to customer service is top quality. I have to go get my money back for the plane ticket at the stupid airline office on Monday. The girl at the counter told me that it will take a month to get my money back, which is ludacrious. Luckily, Isabelle, a friend from Louisville, is working for the government here in Ecuador and she's going to go to the office with me to help hurry the process along.
There were no problems on the actual flight but the planes were really rickety and turbulence threw the plane around in the sky. It was kind of scary. Heh.
When I got to Ecuador, Martin met me at the airport and we took the bus back to his place. The buses here are crazy. They're tricked out with all kinds of ridiculous bells and whistles and lights. I guess the bus drivers are big pimpin' with the ladies because Martin pointed out that all the hot girls get to sit up front with the bus driver. The buses are usually lively with the bus driver blasting music. The bus drivers drive really fast, however, so you have to jump on the bus quickly and jump off. There are two people working the bus, a guy driving and a guy taking money, so it can be quite an ordeal getting on and off the bus.
The first night I was here, Martin took me to his friend, Fabio's house. Fabio is a professional street performer, which is actually a respected profession in Latin America. He supports himself and his family with his street performing and he makes decent money doing it, which I found fascinating. Fabio's partner, Jeris, made dinner for us and Martin translated conversations for me. Jeris and Fabio also have a daughter, who is really cute and I played with when I grew tired of trying to understand Spanish. It was a nice evening.
A few days later Martin and I took the night bus to a beach 8 hours away from Quito. The beach was gorgeous and we camped for a week. We cooked vegetables over the fire every night and ended up only spending maybe $5 or so a day. I had a good time at the beach reading, writing, observing, practicing and relaxing. I showered at a campsite everyday because the sand really bothers me. Martin thought I was silly for wanting to bathe everyday but I'm a girl and I have to keep my lady bits clean. Some men just can't understand that ;p We also did a little street performing in the town but the street performers were kind of annoying to work with. They refused to give Martin his share for his performance and I thought they were going to try to fuck me over for my perfromance too so we got mad and left. One of the girls we performed with, however, found us the next day and gave me my share for my performance, which was cool, I guess. We were able to stay longer because of that money. Martin said that street performers travel up and down the coast of South America on what they call "The Route of the Sun" so we'll probably be bumping into the same people as we travel.
There's only one problem and that's with my relationship with Ken. He´s all of a sudden gotten really jealous that I'm traveling with Martin (even though I told him I was travling with Martin before I left and offered not to go on my trip if he didn't want me to) and now he's threatening to break up with me about it. He seems to have talked to his friends about what they think and they all told him that I appear to be "dating" Martin and that I should travel alone instead. So now he's demanding I travel alone or come back. It's annoying because I feel like he's just trying to save face in front of his friends and he's not listening to a single word I'm saying about how dangerous it is to travel alone in South America if you don't speak Spanish. I also think it´s preposterous that he refues to believe that there's nothing between Martin and I. I told him that we don't have any physical contact at all but Ken said that he still thinks I'm dating Martin. I hope we can reach a compromise. I really, really do. It would break my heart to lose him. I know he misses me and worries that he's going to lose me but he has to trust me. If he can't trust me, then our relationship is in jepordy.
Anyway, Martin and I took the bumpy bus back to Quito Wednesday night and we got in on Thursday mornign. Things have been pretty low key. Martin and I beat drums in a rally for his neighbor yesterday. The rally was an anti-Westernization rally but it was sort of silly because their sings were covered with Christian symbols and they spoke in front of a church. It seems like they forgot that Christianity is not indigenous to South America. So yeah, we protested ourselves but I'm all for countries developing on their own path out of the shadow of Westernization. lol.
Tonight I think we're going clubbing and tomorrow I'm going to see Isabelle. Martin finishes school in mid-May so hopefully we can leave then. I want to go to Brazil but it seems too expensive so I may not be able to go alone.
And that's about it for now. I'll write more later when I have a chance... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2011|11:02 pm]
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| [ | Tags | | | via ljapp | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Party beats | ] |
Retarded. I took so many cool pictures with my iPhone and Facebook won't let me upload them. Tomorrow is my last day in America for awhile. I went to a desert party with Joy. She's trying to convince me to move to LA. Considering it. The scene out here is cool and they have a very Eco friendly approach to society. However, they're due for a big earthquake and after the Big East Japan Earthquake, I don't think I want to risk experiencing that again. I'm seriously struggling with potential PTSS. Gotta go drink tea with Joy now. This past month has been wild and it's about to get crazier. I'm pretty sure after the desert party that I'm so ready for this. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. |
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| Gettting My Act Together |
[Apr. 13th, 2011|03:03 am]
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| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Third Eye-- Tool | ] |
Well, I really have meant to do a lot of things I haven't done. I meant to order some new hoops and some quick wicks so I can travel light with my hoops. I meant to finish writing two different things which I can, in theory still finish by Friday. I meant to go to one of my favorite Chinese places to eat, take a bike ride, etc., but I've really just been lazy and relaxing. Yayoi left last week so I played all week with Carole, Shane and my hula hoops. It was just the first week in forever that I had completely to myself. I mean, I've been out of work for a month but the first week and a half I was a refugee, then I had to pack all my shit and leave Japan. Then I had to take care of Yayoi. And then after that I was just so relieved to finally be safe and have time to myself that I just put off preparing for my trip. This week I'm totally trying to make up for it.
Last Friday Carole and I went to a funny party a Water Park in Columbus. It was a straight up Midwest Rave and I have not been in that scene for FOREVER. It was fun though. We met Jake and I finally met my long time internet friend, Gabriel. I got really trashed and ended up teaching a lot of hoop lessons to people. people were really happy to learn and I decided that I would like to teach hoop when I get back. I love the joy that hula hooping brings to people and how it empowers them when they learn a new trick. I've seen it boost my own self esteem and I think I've got a market here in the Midwest if I hit the right audience (i.e. not the Burner community) It's exciting to think I could possibly teach something I love and make money off of it like Deanne and all the other professional hoopers out there that I look up to so much.
The drive back on Saturday was long and tiring but we made it back to my house. Carole and I took a nap and then went on a beautiful spring time walk. I didn't know how pretty Louisville is in the spring. I guess I was spoiled by its beauty because I grew up here, but all the trees and flowers are busting into bloom and the days are warm with high, blue skies dotted with fluffy clouds that blend into gray and drop rain and then clear again to the brilliant, clear blue. The sky in Tokyo is white sometimes from pollution but here, we have a clear, clean blue sky. I feel so much better just being able to breathe fresh air again, it's refreshing. I honestly wouldn't mind coming back here after I finish backpacking. I know Ken wants to live in New York of LA but I rally don't want to be in any major city for an extended period of time in the next 50 years after what happened in Japan. I just got a taste of what a really bad disaster could look like in a major metropolitan area and I'm not really down to be part of that. I'd rather prepare for when shit goes down rather than be caught in it again.
Anyway, I took it easy Saturday night and then went gear shopping on Sunday and made all my gear purchases on Monday. Today I went to the dentist and found out I have 3 fucking cavitites so I have to drop $300 to have them fixed. I KNEW Japanese toothpaste was shitty. My teeth always felt rotten after I used it but I kept using it anyway and this is what happened. Ugh, thanks a lot.
I took a nap since the dental hygenist was really heavy handed with her little toothpick and left my mouth aching. I usually don't mind going to the dentist but this chick tore my mouth apart. She was nice so I can't be mad at her but dang, that hurt. No wonder some people hate the dentist!
When I woke up I went to my hair appointment and got my dreds put back in. It took about 3.5 hours. It was fun talking to Wendy, my hairdresser. I go see her once a year when I come from Louisville and we're friends I guess. We usually talk the whole time about this and that. I talk about travels and she talks about Burning Man. She told me about the art community revival happening in Louisville and I find that exciting. I look forward to being part of it if I come back when I finish traveling.
After my hair appointment I went to Carole's and had dinner with her and her family. Then I came home and hung out with my parents and played with the cats. Haha. After that I talked to Ken-chan and we talked more about our future. I told him sometimes I hug my pillow and pretend it's him and he said he does the same thing only he pretends his pillow is me. I get grossed out by how disgusting we are and how much we love each other but he makes me want to melt. I always have fun talking to him. I told him I'd cut my trip short if he came here but he said that I need to go on this trip so I can grow and change and become stronger and smarter. I think so too, but I'll miss him like fucking mad. It's already hard enough only being able to talk on Skype but once I start my trip, I may have to go weeks without talking to him! But for the first time in forever I really trust a man and I believe he will come here and marry me when I get back. I love that Japanese man so much. Sometimes the romantic side of me thinks I must have fallen in love with Japan when I was 12 because I was destined to meet him and be with him. He's a really good man and I'm very happy to have found someone that suits me so well and fits the profile of what I want in a mate. He's loyal, kind, determined, hard working, honest, has hobbies and likes learning new things. How could I not love him? He's amazing.
I read a scary article today in Japanese and then sent it through a translator to make sure I was right and it said that there's a "high risk" for a 7.1 or higher earthquake in the Kanto and Tohoku regions in the next 3 days. That frightens me but the last time they said that, nothing happened so I pray to GOD they are wrong. No more earthquakes for Japan PLEASE. It keeps me awake at night worrying about all the people I love there. I offered Ken my plane ticket and he said he really wants to leave but it's too short of notice. ::sighs:: So I just pray for the safety of everyone in Japan and I hope that the island please, please, please stops moving and gives everyone there a little peace, especially the people up North and the people fighting at Fukushima.
OK, good night! |
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